How the 5 love languages can improve our relationships

The 5 Love Languages, by Dr Gary Champman (2016), has helped many people to experience better connection and satisfaction in their relationships. Here is a short introduction on how we can use the love languages to take some of the guess work out of making sure our loved ones feel safe, loved, and validated.

What is a love language?

The five love languages are:

·         Words of Affirmation

·         Quality Time

·         Receiving Gifts

·         Acts of Service

Each of us is wired to respond more strongly to some of these love languages than others. Therefore, if our partner, friends, parents, and teachers speak the right language, it is more likely that we will feel accepted, understood, acknowledged, and loved.

How does this relate to me and my family?

Positive connection with others is a basic psychological need, and essential to our wellbeing (Ackerman, 2022). This is even more true of our most intimate relationships, such as with partners, parents, children, and our closest friends. What’s more, children who feel accepted, understood, acknowledged, and loved, grow into confident and resilient adults.

These are all excellent reasons to learn the 5 love languages, and to practice applying them to our most important relationships.

Decoding the Love Languages

Figuring out what love languages your loved ones best respond to isn’t hard, however, it is good to be clear and intentional about how we take advantage of this knowledge. So often, two people who love each other deeply will feel as if their efforts to show love go unnoticed and unappreciated. If this sounds familiar, learning about love languages can help.

Here is a really fun love language quiz you can take, that will help you identify your own love language, or that of your children.

Words of Affirmation

Does your loved one complement you and others often, and positively glow when you describe to them how wonderful you think they are? Chances are they are highly responsive to the 'Words of Affirmation' language. Fishing for complements could be another giveaway.

When it comes to children, Dr. Gary Chapman acknowledges that most parents are great with words of affirmation with babies and toddlers, but flip the script with older kids and teenagers. He suggests that positive reinforcement is a much more effective and less harmful tool than criticism for children and adults who are strong in the 'Words of Affirmation' love language.

“most parents are great with words of affirmation with babies and toddlers, but flip the script with older kids and teenagers”

Some ideas for showing love through ‘Words of Affirmation’ are complimenting your loved one often, letting them know with words that you appreciate them, of even leaving the occasional note or message with a simple “l love you” can do the trick.

Quality Time

People big on ‘Quality Time’ show their love by constantly finding opportunities to do things together, and they will remember and cherish these moments far more than the things that were said, or the gifts that were given.

Dr. Gary Chapman advises that for children strong on ‘Quality Time’, “you must get down on the child’s level if you eventually want to lead them into the adult world”. He suggests that if you spend the time meeting this need in your child from an early age, then they will likely invite you into their world as a teenager, rather than looking solely toward their peers.

Some ideas for showing love through ‘Quality Time’ are taking 5 minutes in the morning to stop everything and have a cup of tea/coffee/milo together, do simple chores together (such as folding washing), or have a project that you only work on together (such as working on the veggie garden).

Receiving Gifts

Does your loved one delight in the act of making and giving gifts for friends and family? Do they treasure gifts from people they care about? Then perhaps ‘Receiving Gifts’ is an important love language for them.

‘Receiving Gifts’ needs no introduction, as we are constantly bombarded new and exciting ways to say ‘I love you’ with the perfect gift. It is also a reflexive instinct for many parents (and grandparents) to shower their children in gifts. This is great for the child who is strong in this love language .but has little emotional benefit for those who are not.

“it is quite literally the thought that counts”

An important aspects of this love language, is that for those strong in ‘Receiving Gifts’, it is quite literally the thought that counts, and a home-made or refurbished gift will have just as much emotional value as an expensive item, provided it is thoughtful and considered.

Acts of Service

This one is great news for parents, because being a parent is a pretty big ‘Act of Service’ in and of itself. The trap is that often we (the parent) use our acts of service as justification of the deep love we have for our children. Whether or not they experience this as love, however, might depend on whether or not ‘Acts of Service’ is a primary love language for them.

When it comes to our partner and spouse, ‘Acts of Service’ can get a little tricky to navigate at times. For example, working long hours (whether maintaining the home or at the office or both) may be both an ‘Act of Service’, and a way to avoid intimacy through other love languages, such as ‘Quality Time’. This highlights the importance of getting to know your loved ones love language, so that our efforts at showing love don’t miss the target.

Some ideas for showing love through ‘Acts of Service’ are to do a job for your loved one that they would normally be expected to do themselves, or to set up a special book nook, movie night, or other activity that your loved one enjoys.

 

Physical Touch

For people strong in ‘Physical Touch’, physical intimacy and closeness are the primary ways in which they feel loved and valued. You’ll know if your child is big on ‘Physical Touch’ because they are constantly grabbing you, jumping on your lap, bumping into you while you walk, and whining for cuddles! As parents this can be a little annoying, but on the bright side you have many years of wonderful hugs ahead of you.

“love is about really wanting to understand the other person, and where their needs are coming from”.

‘Physical Touch’ can also be a tricky one for intimate partners, and it is common for one person to feel rejected and ‘unloved’, when this need isn’t met. According to relationship counsellor Helen Aish, the most important thing for couples in this situation is to understand each other’s needs, even if meeting them feels impossible. Helen states that “love is about really wanting to understand the other person, and where their needs are coming from”.

Knowing your own love language, and that of your children and intimate partners can be a pathway to better connection, more effective parenting, and more positive outcomes in your relationships. For more in depth information and further resources, please visit Dr. Gary Chapman’s website.

Resources:

Ackerman, C. E. (2022). What is Attachment Theory? Bowlby’s 4 Stages Explained. https://positivepsychology.com/attachment-theory/

Chapman, G. (2016). The 5 Love Languages: The secret to love that lasts.. Northfield Publishing. Available at https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

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